Finding Me

Sometimes it’s best to just start doing something instead of waiting for inspiration. I haven’t written in such a long time, but I am finally by myself for a couple hours and I find myself wanting. I’m wanting to do something for myself, but it has been so long since I’ve been in a situation like this. As a mom, I feel like we learn to put our own yearnings aside. We make it all about the kids (and our husbands as well), and we lose sight of what we want to do and how we want to express that light inside of us.

For the last 18 months, I have been 100% at my youngest’s disposal. Before that, I spent weeks in and out of the hospital and on bedrest, so I have actually been at his disposal much longer.

When I started staying home 2.5 years ago, I thought I would finally have a chance for myself once my kids started Mother’s Day Out and preschool. I found out I was pregnant about a month before that. Since my body does *not* do well pregnant, I don’t think I ever had a chance to truly enjoy some time for myself. I find myself in an unknown space with so many parts of me wanting to release themselves and no idea where to go from here. I haven’t written in 2.5 years (and that was mostly for work). I haven’t painted in about 6.5 (because my oldest is 6). And, other than reading with kids running around and teaching yoga, it’s been several years since I’ve done me. Let’s add on the craziness of 2020 and COVID and I have all but lost sight of what I want to do.  

I’m truly blessed to be in the situation that I’m in. When I had my first (and second), I had to work. I didn’t want to leave my kids with someone else at 12 weeks old, but I had no choice. With my third, I was blessed to experience all of the stages I missed with the first ones. I finally have the chance to stay home and experience life with my kids. I didn’t know that would be my dream till I had a child. From that day forward, I knew that I wanted to be a mom first and foremost. And, I love my “job”. BUT, it’s hard to get away from work when you have a 24/7 job. And sometimes you just need to find yourself amongst the craziness.

Even today, I did drop off for my elementary kid. Came home for an hour. Did drop off for the younger two. Came home to take a quick shower. Did doctor’s appointments and errands till 12:45, and I finally got a chance to come home and eat lunch by myself and sit here till I leave for the pick up marathon in 45 minutes. It’s glorious, though. Because I get to write this minute. I don’t find myself with time or energy to do anything anymore. But today. TODAY. I get to listen to music in the background and let the words flow like they haven’t in years. This is a gift. A blessing. A truly glorious few minutes. And, I have my husband to thank for it all. Because he is the reason that I find myself sitting here. He is the reason I can stay home and be with my crazy boys all day. And he is also the reason that I can be here for a few minutes and just allow myself to be me. The best part? He wants me to do this. He finds joy in knowing that I’m free for a little bit. And for that (and a million other reasons), I sure do love him.